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Cousin Koopa emails

Sent: Friday, August 18, 2000 09:29 AM
Subject: Koopa O’Shea

Alwright Cox Cheez

Haven’t heard much off your lot since ya Mom and Dad left the business last month. Me Dad tells us that you’ve all gone and moved to Turkey down south. Is that far enough away from the family then? Well you kept that all quiet didn’t ya. What happened to you going to uni?

Anyway, how did z move down to the bucket and spaz town go? Let me know how the new crib is hanging.


Sent: Friday, August 18, 2000 09:52 AM
Subject: RE: Koopa O’Shea

Hello Koopa

Yes I’m fine thank you. I hope you are too.

The move to Torquay was torturous but as you will no doubt find Millers antics so amusing I will not divulge how your wonderful cousin almost killed us all. (All I will say is that he is THE COX CHEESE, not me!)

Torquay (Not Turkey. School wasn’t just for selling drugs at, you know!) is beautiful. I know you don’t care for Gods Earthly craftsmanship so I won’t describe our new exquisite surroundings as you will most likely find someway of devaluing it to a crude insult. The new ‘crib’ however is amazing. There was a party last night when we arrived. The locals threw it for us especially. They said the last landlord was crap and they couldn’t wait for the new reign. Wonderful people.

It’s a shame that Mom has fallen out with all of her brothers but I do feel that it is most understandable. Mom specifically said to Uncle Connor that if he tried to push the business into the North of Birmingham you would suffer terrible consequences. I take it the rest of Uncle Macky has still not been found. Is his head still in the fridge? Perhaps if Uncle Connor had listened to Mother, Uncle Mackey would have been let go with only his balls missing! And how is Uncle Bernard? Is he still in hospital. The poor bastard.

You need to watch your back. The Donnelley might have lost the battle but I don’t think the war is over. You might be in control of the doors in Sutton for the minute but they’ll be back!

Give my best to the surviving members of the family while they are still alive.


Sent: Friday, August 18, 2000 10:14 AM
Subject: RE: RE: Koopa O’Shea

Hay Cock

It’s a shame about Mackey 4 sure but lookee what we av now. We’re Lords of the manor baby. Uncle Connor was right on the money. The North side is full of rich brats who are happy to piss all of Daddys hard money on our cheap nasty drugs. The punters on our old patch were just a bunch of bum picking dole beggars who can’t afford a decent pint of piss, let alone a gram of snow. We’re making a fucking mint now man!

We’re all gonna be fucking millionaires before Christmas. You lot should throw everything in the van and just come back to us! Oh, Uncle Bernard will be fine; he still has his left leg and main member.

While you’re around watching grannies sip on their lemonades by da seaside (which I bet you fooking love you kinky shit), I’ll be watching me Hoes sipping on ma juices. YEAH!


Sent: Friday, August 18, 2000 10:20 AM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: Koopa O’Shea


I will be getting the women too, don’t you worry about that! Power my friend, women love strong powerful men and that is what this position offers me. Koopa my ol’pal, envy me because I’ve won the sex lottery! I’m gonna be trying out plenty of love cushions. In fact I’m a bit worried that all the loving might get in the way of work, but I’m sure I can be professional.

In regards to returning to the family, we are quite happy here thank you. In fact if you have any sense you should get out of there now. Yeah you might be ‘minted’ for the minute but big wads of cash won’t do you any good when you’re dead in six months, in hell, getting a pitch fork in your love spuds.

Uncle Connor will keep on pushing. Even if you manage to hang onto Sutton without any more epic bloody battles with the Donnelly’s, I bet he won’t be happy. He’ll want Town next and then you’ll be fecked. Grandad Mickey might have been a vicious ol’bastard who started the whole thing off but he knew his limits, which is why the family have stayed in business for so long but now that Uncle Connor is in charge, he’ll go too far and he is gonna crash his joy ride with you lot in the car. He thinks that he is some kind of a God and he isn’t.

So thanks for the offer but I’ll stick to a proper business thank you!


Sent: Friday, August 18, 2000 10:24 AM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: Koopa O’Shea


This is a PROPER biz. We have trainee PAYE staff, area managers, monthly targets, bonus schemes. Everything properly organized ya know. We even have an office with a well fit secretary that I get to bang on Thursdays. It’s all thanks to your Mom you know. She turned Granddads little paddy gang into a bleedin corporation. Miller should have stayed. He was doing good. If he had stayed here, we’d have given him his own team and the Erdington area to manage!

Will Miller be joint manager with you? Why isn’t he the licensee, he’s been a barman since he was 15 at our place. I suppose Uncle Johnny asked you because Miller has a criminal record, hasn’t he?


Sent: Friday, August 18, 2000 10:28 AM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Koopa O’Shea

WHY ISN’T MILLER THE LICENSEE? Because he is a feckin retard and I’m educated brilliance. That’s why!

WILL MILLER BE JOINT MANAGER? HA HA HA HA bloody HA! Noooooooooooooo. On the journey down Miller told me one of his ‘amazing’ idea’s to boost business. He said he was going to go around town to all of the AA meetings to lure all of the alkies to the pub! He thinks he is going to be the Pied fecking Piper of the pub trade, dancing through town with a line of pissy pant hobbo’s and drunks merrily following him to our distinguished abodes. MY public house will be a place of sophistication. A meeting place for the great minds of the English Riviera. Not a place to get rat arsed! That is not the upper class way.

Sent: Friday, August 18, 2000 10:31 AM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Koopa O’Shea

Sounds fucking boring to me then. Do you want any of us to come down and man the door for you?

Sent: Friday, August 18, 2000 10:35 AM
Subject: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: RE: Koopa O’Shea

No we’re okay thank you. You stay where you are. This is Torquay, not Birmingham. People are quite docile here. Simple folk. They’re not street, not like me. I think they are probably a bit scared of us city lads, I’ll keep them in line. I will be a firm Monarch of my Kingdom. The problem with society nowadays is that the threat of authority is getting more and more distant. Everyone behaved in the old days when they were worried they’d get hung for stealing a loaf of bread but today you can kick a copper in the pink elephant trunk and get off with just a warning. Nope, I’ll be fair but firm. No one will mess with me.

It’s been good catching up with you. Stay good, stay alive.

I’m off to ascend my throne now

Yours Sincerely


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